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 But today it's nothing but FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL (and beer). 11.02.01 (day 16) First of all, I want to dispell the rumors that my back surgery was a coverup for a secret government operation that I was called back to perform in Afganistan. I REALLY WAS a helicopter electrician, and NOT a black ops operative. I catagoricaly deny that the doctor's papers were a sham, and that I've been a sleeper agent for the government since 1999. I was NOT set up in a non-descript job in the Midwest as a cover for my own protection, and for the last 72 hours, I was NOT on a C5 Galaxy, which flew out of an Air Force base in Maryland and landed in Pakistan, where I met with fellow operatives. Later we were NOT dropped in country in the dead of night. I would also like to take this opportunity to deny that I took part in the night raid on a Taliban stronghold 25 clicks southwest of Jerezul, in the south providence of Afganistan. No, I've been here all along, playing Nintendo, reading, watching The View and Rosie, and just relaxing and spending time with the family while my "back" heals up.
10.31.01 (day 14) Today is Halloween. I don't have any cool or humorous updates today, because I'm busy writing a bestselling novel so I can stay home like this FOREVER! Oh to be idle and rich. Savannah is dressing up as a PowerPuff girl(Bubbles), and Alexandria is dressing up as another PowerPuff girl(Blossom). And Jay, that rat-bastard, beat me in chess again. :)
10.30.01 (day 13) I was watching those "Roust-About" infomercials last night, the ones that show the old people driving around in those little carts. Those are cool. Saturday Savannah got her orange belt in Karate. The combination of her Karate skills and my tender, useless back means my five year old can literally kick my ass. Yesterday I told her to pick up her toys, and she shot back, "Do it yourself, you gimped-up old man. I'll roundhouse kick your !*@#ing legs out from under you. Don't think I won't do it." I don't appreciate that kind of language in the house, but she kind of glared at me, and I thought it would be better to keep my mouth shut. I did end up picking up the toys.
10.27.01 (day 10) Today I finally beat my Palm Pilot in chess. Sure, seems like a small thing, but I'm house-bound. I finally saw my scar in the mirror; it looks like my ass-crack goes up much farther than a normal ass-crack. If I gain enough weight it will look like my ass is three feet tall. Yesterday the postman got electrocuted in the rain while putting our mail in the microwave mailbox. He was blubbering something about a federal offense while he twitched and drooled in my front yard. We called an ambulance. A bunch of cops showed up and asked me a lot of questions. It was horrible; I was so embarrassed. If I get a good lawyer, I can blame it on the pain drugs and cabin fever. And to think I was at the US Patent Office website looking into patenting the micro-mailbox 2001®. This whole terrorist thing is really affecting me personally. You should have seen the vein popping out of that poor mailman's head.
10.25.01 (day 8) Today I made a poopy! Whenever I do that, I get a star on my poopy-chart! The doctor took my stitches out. I took a nappy! I read, worked on my book (a little, I can't sit for very long at the keyboard, so don't call me back to work Perry!) I mounted a microwave oven where our mailbox used to be* and ran an extention cord to it. Now before I get the mail, I cook it on low for five seconds to kill any fucking ANTHRAX before I open the door up. I painted US MAIL in red letters on the side and put a flag on it for when I send mail. The mailman loves it! 10.24.01 (day 7) I forgot how much fun it was to color! You can really get into coloring books when you know you have a month to work on them! And crossword puzzles!
10.23.01 (day 6) This morning I finished reading Stephen King's Hearts in Atlantis. Jusus Christ that man can write. I started reading it on my Palm Pilot, but the print was too small, and I felt like a fucking geek from hell while reading it. It's a pretty cool concept, but I had to buy the paperback version to finish the book. Books are a lot more real when printed on paper than they are scrolled across a screen. I rented Castaway from the movie store. How fitting. Pooped yesterday for the second time since the surgery. We take so many things for granted, like pooping, walking, and being able to get out of bed. The first day after returning from the hospital was a real eye-opener. Don't take shit for granted.
10.21.01 (day 4) After receiving false alarms from station two, I was finally able to deliver payload at 14:25 today. Mission accomplished.
10.20.01 (day 3) Walked around the block today. No signal from station 2. Drank PJ, no help. Literature accumulating in bathroom. Congratulations to Jay and Molly. Wish I could have been there.
10.19.01 (day 2) surgery done. i'm ok.. Thanks to my mom and dad for calling, to Perry for stopping by with the great card, to everyone at work for the card and flowers, my girls for the balloons, my wife, who is putting up with me in my feeble state, my mother in law, for helping with the girls, and the thousands of anthrax-free cards and letters from danmanning.com subscribers.
10.07.01 Sunday. I think it's in bad form to start bombing Arabs while America is trying to watch NFL football. Couldn't they have started Monday, when everyone's at work? Or on a Thursday night, when nothing good is on television? Last night we went an did paintball. That was a lot of fun. I managed to shoot two guys on my own team, and pinned three more of my team mates down in just a few minutes. I'm terrible at paintball.
10.03.01 Wednesday. Had to take a vacation day to get my shit together. Had to buy the car, sell the old car, get tags/taxes/insurance take a form downtown, pick up the car, and get a six-pack. I did find out that bargain books opened back up on the infamous corner of Plainfield and 4 mile. If I can keep from wrecking the car, I won't have so far to drive to get books. 10.01.01 Monday. The Datsun of Death is no more. Click here to see the devastation. Some asshole pulled out in front of me in traffic near the intersection of Plainfield and 4 Mile, and I T-boned him. The Datsun is scrapped. This weekend, I played chess in the Kalamazoo open, I got checkmated 4 time, and won 1 time. I suck at chess. I'm having back surgery in November. Better November than when it's nice out, I suppose. 09.20.01 Thursday. Yesterday, Savannah got a "stripe" in Karate class for passing a test. Yesterday was my birthday. There's nothing else going on. 09.15.01 Saturday. I suppose I should write something about what happened Tuesday, but what's the point? People are dead, people are grieving, and people will die when the United States strikes back. It's a sad, sorry state of affairs. 09.02.01 Sunday. Had a nice visit with Barb, one of the nurses Deb works with. Deb made some live south-of-the-border food. Today I bought some woodworking stuff, carved some cool chess pieces*.
Yesterday, we took the kids putt-putt golfing. Had a real good time. Mowed the front yard. Kansas City blew a 17-0 lead against the Rams. Another great NFL football season. 09.01.01 Saturday. Last night I had my MRI. Didn't realize how noisy those things were. I was completely still for one full hour, and I'm kind of claustrophobic. Thank goodness for all my years of Zen training in Tibet. Went to GRCC to talk to a student councellor, and it looks like I'll have a degree when I'm fifty. Maybe I'll just take the classes I want and say screw the degree. 08.27.01 Monday. Savannah's first day at kindergarten. 08.25.01 Took the family to the Binder Park Zoo. We saw some animals and I bought a shot glass at the gift shop. I'd like to thank the entire population of Harris Michigan for having a parade in the middle of southbound highway 37, making it real %$#@ing hard to get to Battle Creek. 08.24.01 www.danmanning.com back online. 08.21.01 Today I had to retire the Bat Child Found in Cave tee-shirt. It was just too worn out. A truly tacky white-trash tee-shirt has passed on today. I will miss that tee-shirt. 08.20.01 The entire staff at www.danmanning.com would like to wish Josh a great 21st birthday. 08.19.01 Drank many Coronas between working in the garage and going to a barbacue yesterday. Mowed the lawn and cleaned out the garage. Brian and Josh came over, and we put the window in Brian's car. Today I put in my application for GRCC. I've started and re-started my latest masterpiece in literature about four times now. 08.16.01 The garage door opener is fully functional. That's pretty good, considering it was done on a Thursday, with no help, while watching two girls and drinking a moderate amount of domestic beer. While standing on the back bumper of the '74 260 Z Datsun of Death tightening up the last bolt of the garage door opener, the frickin' bumper fell off. Had to take the entire thing off. Thought about putting it on with duct tape, but I thought that might present a highway hazard for my fellow motorists, so I took it off altogether. Might put a thick pipe on there instead. 08.13.01 The part for the garage door opener arrived in the mail today, along with some instructions. I didn't think it would be so complicated.. 08.09.01 AT&T cut off my webserver, so now I have this one. Big Whoop. Nothing else is going on. Worked, came home, it's still hot out. 08.06.01 My Liftmaster garage door opener is caput. I have to get a new bracket.
08.01.01 It's kind of hot out. My doctor has introduced me to the joy of painkillers for my back. 07.21.01: We picked up our kitten from Jay today. The girls decided to name it "Princess Bell". Please don't ask me what I think of the name, but luckily, we can just shorten it to "Bell." 07.23.01: Got our refund check from George Bush. $600.00. I'll use it to pay down my f**king credit card. Yea! 07.23.01 Bought some new clothes at JCPenny's. Thanks George W. Bush!! It feels good to help out the economy. My purchase may be the very thing this country needed. God Bless America. 07.26.01 The gerbil escaped (I left the cage open last night.) Deb sent me this email:
SUBJ:ALERT!! Be On ALERT FINSTER is MISSING from his cage. Any Ideas? L/K/D When I got home, we had to chase the poor thing out from behind the washer with a broom. He is resting safely in his cage, but is unavailable for comment at this time. What else happened? Oh yea, the cat we thought was a girl turned out to be a boy. 07.27.01 Called my old Navy buddy Albert last night and talked for awhile. Haven't heard from him in a long time. He's doing good. 07.29.01 Planted mums in the front yard, as our weed garden was looking real trailer-trashish. |
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